Author Topic: The Sunrider Groom  (Read 1753 times)

Offline Gamerjunkie

The Sunrider Groom
« on: August 11, 2015, 11:05:04 am »
Yes, I made this a thing. It's Pal's fault.

There will be a lot of Kayto/Asaga shipping, so for all you Asaga fans: Rejoice!


I'll be putting this on Fanfiction.net as I write more of it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11440272/1/The-Sunrider-Groom

A sick boy sat on his bed, playing a visual novel on his holo. The door to his room opened, and his mother entered.

“Hi, honey,” she said.

“Hi, mom,” the boy said in a slightly raspy voice.

She checked his temperature.

“You feeling any better?” She asked him.

“A little bit.”

She patted him on the back and said, “Guess what?”

“What?”

“Your grandfather is here.”

“Mom, can’t you tell him I’m sick?”

“You’re sick? That’s why he’s here.”

“He’ll pinch my cheek. I hate that.”

“Maybe he won’t.”

The door burst open once again, and said grandfather entered the room.

“Hey! How’s the sick? Huh?” He said, pinching the boy’s cheek as the boy rolled his eyes at his mother.

She sighed. “I think I’ll leave you two pals alone,” she said, before exiting the room.

“I brought you a present.” The grandfather said, handing the boy a package.

“What is it?” he asked, tearing the outer wrappings off., revealing… “A book?”

“That’s right. When I was your age, Visual Novels were called books. And this is a special book. It’s the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I’m gonna read it to you.”

“Is it any good?”
“Are you kidding? Mechas, fighting, torture, revenge, monsters, revenge, chases, escapes, true love, miracles!”

“...Doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try and stay awake,” the boy said, shutting off his holo.

“Oh, well, thank you very much. That’s very nice of you,” the grandfather said with just a touch of sarcasm. “Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.”

The grandfather pulled out a pair of reading glasses from his pocket, put them on, opened the book, and started reading.

“The Sunrider Bride. By Samu-kun Morgenstern. Chapter 1.

Asaga was raised in a big city on the planet of Cera. Her favorite pastimes were piloting her Ryder and dragging the manager of the mechanics off on adventures. His name was Kayto, but she never called him that.

Isn’t that a wonderful beginning?”

“Yeah, it’s really good.”

“Nothing gave Asaga more pleasure than taking Kayto on adventures.”

“Mr. Manager, come oooon! There’s adventures to be gone on!”

“B-but I need to-”

“No you don’t, there’s mechanics for that! Come on!”

She never allowed him to refuse an adventure.

“Mr. Manager, I found something really cool! Come with me so we can see it!”

“Just let me fi-”

“Nope! We’re going now before it goes away!”

That day, Kayto was amazed to realize that when she dragged him off on adventures, what she meant was, “I love you.”

And even more amazing was the day he realized that he truly loved her back.

“Mr. Manager? Come to see the moon with me?”
And for the first time, Kayto smiled at her desire for an adventure.

“Okay, Asaga.”

Later that night, at sunset, they leaned in and-

“HOLD IT, HOLD IT.” The boy interjected. “Are you trying to trick me? Where’s the excitement? ...Is this a text-only eroge?”

“Wait. Just wait.”

“When does it get GOOD?”

“Calm down, and let me read.

Asaga had no money for marriage, so she packed a few things and left Cera to seek her fortune in space. It was a very emotional time for Kayto.”

“I fear I’ll never see you again,” Kayto whispered to Asaga.

“Of course you will!” Asaga said excitedly.

“But what if something happens to you?”

“I will always come back for you.” Asaga said, very determined,

“But how can you be sure?” Kayto fretted.

“The Hero of Justice always comes back home. You think there’s a hero leaving home every day?”

The pair shared a quick kiss, before Asaga got into her Ryder and headed into space.

“Asaga never reached her destination. Her carrier was attacked by the Dread Pirate Cosette, who never left captives alive. When Kayto got the news that Asaga was murdered-”

“Murdered by space pirates is good.” The boy interjected.

“-He went into his cabin and shut the door. For days, he neither slept nor ate.”

“I will never love again.” Kayto vowed to himself.

“Five years later, the main square of Cera City was filled with people like never before, waiting to hear Princess Lynn’s chosen husbando-to-be.”

Trumpets blared, announcing the arrival of the royalty. King Jaylor, Veniczar Fontana, and Princess Lynn appeared on a high balcony, flanked by their bodyguards.

Lynn stepped forward, and began to speak.

“My people! A month from now, our country will celebrate the 500th anniversary of our Liberation Day! On that sundown, I shall marry a man who was once a commoner like yourselves! But perhaps… you shall not find him common now! Would you like to meet him?”

The crowd cheered in a resounding affirmative.

“My people… Prince Kayto!”

The trumpets played once again, and Kayto entered the town square on a lower balcony. People bowed at his entrance.

“Kayto’s emptiness consumed him. Although the law of the planet gave Lynn the right to choose her groom, he did not love her. The only joy he found was in a daily cruise, reminiscing about Asaga.”

A few days after the announcement ceremony, Kayto took his personal yacht, the Sunrider, on a short trip to Tydaria and back. However, about halfway to Tydaria, he met a small ship that hailed him over the comms, and he answered. A hologram of a man that had the look of an old war veteran about him appeared, with two younger women at his side. One with long black hair and a sword, and one with short, dark blue hair.

“A word, my good sir? We are but poor, lost independent miners. Is there a comm station nearby?”

“There is nothing nearby. Not for lightyears.”

“Then there will be nobody to hear your distress call!” The man proclaimed, hitting a button Kayto couldn’t see. Suddenly, every system on his ship shut down, and an electrical surge from a nearby control panel struck him, knocking him out.

Two Ryders, piloted by the women, disembarked from the small ship, one yellow and black, the other green and white. Over the comm, the man told them, “Now, remember, you need to plant the evidence implicating PACT in the kidnapping.”

“Why PACT, again?” the short-haired woman asked.
“The nation across the Neutral Rim? The sworn enemies of Cera?” The other woman answered in a sarcastic tone. After the pair retrieved Kayto, putting him in the long-haired woman’s Ryder, the man explained. “Once Cera realizes their prince is missing, they’ll send out a search ship for him along his last known route. They’ll find his ship, drifting in space, with only the body of a PACT officer aboard. The princess will then suspect PACT of abducting her love. When she finds his body dead on New Eden, her suspicions will be totally confirmed.”

“You never said anything about killing the prince! N-not that I care or anything!” The longer-haired woman spoke up.

“We’re starting a war. It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.”

“I-I just don’t think it’s right, killing people and implying someone else did it.”

The man’s eyes narrowed. “Did I ask for your opinion, Icari Isidolde? You were NOT hired to provide your opinions, mercenary!”

“I… agree with Icari.” The blue-haired woman spoke up, causing the man to turn his anger on her.

“Oh, Kryska the former spy has spoken! What happens to him is none of your concern. I will kill him if need be!” He turned back to Icari. “And remember this. NEVER forget this. When I found you, you were so drunk out of your mind, you couldn’t even move on your own power!” He turned back to Kryska. “And YOU! Helpless, parentless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, on Ongess?”

The pair landed and began walking back to the ship’s bridge. Icari spoke to Kryska. “That Gray, he can… fuss.” Kryska smirked. “I think he likes to scream at us.” “Probably he means no…. harm.” “He’s really very short on… charm!”

Icari sighed. “You have a great gift for rhyme.”

“Yes, yes.... some of the time.”

This last was uttered as the pair entered the bridge.

“Enough of that!” Gray snapped.

Kryska powered up the sensor terminal.

“Kryska, are there asteroids ahead?” Icari called from her position at the navigation terminal.

“If there are, we’ll all be dead!”

“No more rhymes now, I mean it!” Gray barked.

“Anybody want a peanut?” Kryska snarked.

Gray’s incoherent scream could be heard throughout the ship.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2015, 11:30:08 am by YuriGamer27 »
rellimkram [Apr 03, 2016, 06:06:12 pm]:   Hyperspace Yuri Delivery: Service so fast we ship it before it's ever ordered
rellimkram [May 05, 2016, 03:42:02 pm]: I'm not sure if you're wanting Lola to tamper with school projectors to show porn during class, or if you want Lola to actually make porn during class
Elvis Strunk [Apr 03, 2017, 04:31:33 pm]: "You're under arrest... but we're not confiscating any of your stuff, guarding you in any fashion, or trying to actually prevent you from leaving." Elvis Strunk [Apr 03, 2017, 04:31:44 pm]: "We're good at copping."

Online woolyshambler

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2015, 11:12:34 am »
Had a glass of wine, head's a little spinny right now (SHUT UP GODDAMNIT!).

What I did notice is this:

Wall of text; makes it difficult to read.  Try using some kind of text break between chunks, especially if separated by chronology or location or setting.  For example, when switching back and forth between the grandpa and kid and the actual contents of the "VN".

All dialogue; it's hard for your audience to get invested without at least a little bit of context and description.  Paint a scene, give us a reason to read about your characters and listen to what they're saying.  Set a stage first, then let your actors out for their lines.  Unless this is a rendition of "Our Town."  Good play.

Other than that, I have no idea what the Princess Bride is, so you're far better off getting content review from someone who's not "uncultured swine" apparently.  Cheers, thanks for sharing.
[May 13, 2016, 02:26:28 pm]:   Elvis Strunk will do his best to shoot Eli with a full load.
Elvis Strunk [May 13, 2016, 02:26:45 pm]:   of bullets
Elvis Strunk [May 15, 2016, 03:31:49 pm]:   Knat's the best part of the harem, and the shortest lasting.
Jynx [May 15, 2016, 03:33:36 pm]:   Stop foreshadowing Knat's death
woolyshambler [May 15, 2016, 03:34:13 pm]:   foreshadowing death!? elvis wasn't foreshadowing knat's premature ejaculation problem?

Offline Pal

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2015, 03:07:04 am »
I like it, gj, gg. :P

Heinrike [Nov 10, 2016, 11:00:11 am]: I'm bored too, but otherwise bored  Elvis Strunk [Dec 14, 2015, 01:43:59 AM]: Would make it easier to keep track of all the characters, at least. "They're all dead."
Eonymia [Dec 15, 2016, 10:14:17 pm]: Losers don't win, do drugs Arraxis [Feb 18, 2017, 03:12:47 am]: Slither me timbers

Offline Drath

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2015, 05:03:35 am »
Other than that, I have no idea what the Princess Bride is, so you're far better off getting content review from someone who's not "uncultured swine" apparently.  Cheers, thanks for sharing.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It was an old movie set way back in 1987.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Princess_Bride_(film)
People who were around during the 80s or were kids back then will probably look upon it quite fondly. There weren't many good fantasy movies during that period and special effects were still in their infancy, so we settled mostly for well told stories.

Good to see this :)

In particular in the later chapters I'm looking for:
"Hello. My name is Icari Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die" xD

Also Kryzzik saying:
"It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise." xD

Offline Pal

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2015, 05:06:57 am »
"Rest well, and dream of large women."

Heinrike [Nov 10, 2016, 11:00:11 am]: I'm bored too, but otherwise bored  Elvis Strunk [Dec 14, 2015, 01:43:59 AM]: Would make it easier to keep track of all the characters, at least. "They're all dead."
Eonymia [Dec 15, 2016, 10:14:17 pm]: Losers don't win, do drugs Arraxis [Feb 18, 2017, 03:12:47 am]: Slither me timbers

Offline Gamerjunkie

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2015, 05:09:11 am »
Other than that, I have no idea what the Princess Bride is, so you're far better off getting content review from someone who's not "uncultured swine" apparently.  Cheers, thanks for sharing.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It was an old movie set way back in 1987.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Princess_Bride_(film)
People who were around during the 80s or were kids back then will probably look upon it quite fondly. There weren't many good fantasy movies during that period and special effects were still in their infancy, so we settled mostly for well told stories.

Good to see this :)

In particular in the later chapters I'm looking for:
"Hello. My name is Icari Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die" xD

Also Kryzzik saying:
"It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise." xD
I fall into neither of those categories. My parents had it on VHS for longer than I remember. It's a really good movie.
"Rest well, and dream of large women."
"Rest well, and dream of blushing tsunderes."
rellimkram [Apr 03, 2016, 06:06:12 pm]:   Hyperspace Yuri Delivery: Service so fast we ship it before it's ever ordered
rellimkram [May 05, 2016, 03:42:02 pm]: I'm not sure if you're wanting Lola to tamper with school projectors to show porn during class, or if you want Lola to actually make porn during class
Elvis Strunk [Apr 03, 2017, 04:31:33 pm]: "You're under arrest... but we're not confiscating any of your stuff, guarding you in any fashion, or trying to actually prevent you from leaving." Elvis Strunk [Apr 03, 2017, 04:31:44 pm]: "We're good at copping."

Offline WeAreTheMeta

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2015, 06:47:25 pm »
I just watched it yesterday night because I saw Yurigamer speaking about his crossover idea on the commbox.
I like Kayto as the princess, but I have difficulty as thinking of Gray as Vezzini

Elvis Strunk [Aug 10, 2016, 12:40:11 am]:   Meta is eternally a loli~
Arraxis [Sep 23, 2016, 11:37:43 pm]:   Love you too Meta

Offline ShadowX

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2015, 02:21:12 pm »
I like where this is going. I never watched or read The Princess Bride, but I've heard a bit from my friend that's been pressuring me to do so. Good job and keep it up! :)
Spoiler
Your love was handmade for somebody like me
Come on now, follow my lead
I may be crazy, don't mind me
Say, boy, let's not talk too much~💕

Offline azure

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2015, 02:44:52 pm »
I wonder if Claude will be the doctor who was fired by Lynn.

Offline Gamerjunkie

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2015, 04:55:07 pm »
I wonder if Claude will be the doctor who was fired by Lynn.

Claude will indeed be Miracle Max! You'll see who her waifu is eventually.
rellimkram [Apr 03, 2016, 06:06:12 pm]:   Hyperspace Yuri Delivery: Service so fast we ship it before it's ever ordered
rellimkram [May 05, 2016, 03:42:02 pm]: I'm not sure if you're wanting Lola to tamper with school projectors to show porn during class, or if you want Lola to actually make porn during class
Elvis Strunk [Apr 03, 2017, 04:31:33 pm]: "You're under arrest... but we're not confiscating any of your stuff, guarding you in any fashion, or trying to actually prevent you from leaving." Elvis Strunk [Apr 03, 2017, 04:31:44 pm]: "We're good at copping."

Offline WeAreTheMeta

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2015, 01:09:36 am »
I can only see Maray, because well, if Claude can't be with Kaito, she will at least try to get with a Shield

Elvis Strunk [Aug 10, 2016, 12:40:11 am]:   Meta is eternally a loli~
Arraxis [Sep 23, 2016, 11:37:43 pm]:   Love you too Meta

Offline Pal

Re: The Sunrider Groom
« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2015, 11:40:21 pm »
Probably porky.

Heinrike [Nov 10, 2016, 11:00:11 am]: I'm bored too, but otherwise bored  Elvis Strunk [Dec 14, 2015, 01:43:59 AM]: Would make it easier to keep track of all the characters, at least. "They're all dead."
Eonymia [Dec 15, 2016, 10:14:17 pm]: Losers don't win, do drugs Arraxis [Feb 18, 2017, 03:12:47 am]: Slither me timbers